Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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