I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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