my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
