Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
