For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
