First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
