One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
