Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
