If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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