Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
