Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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