It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Did you just see the Batmobile???
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
