I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
