i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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