Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
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