As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
