cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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