totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
bring money and cleavage
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
