Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
