Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
