I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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