Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
