I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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