why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm too high and old for this...
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