i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
