I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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