Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
you had me at cake vodka
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
