Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
