he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
