matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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