I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
