My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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