Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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