Nicole vs. Life
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
