I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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