Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
