butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
