either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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