He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
