I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
