I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
