3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
