Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
