i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
