is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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