We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
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