I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
