i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
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We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
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One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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