the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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