when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
