I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
