i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
please don't ironically join a cult
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