Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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