dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
