I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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