my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
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I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
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Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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