It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
