He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
