I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
