This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
